When I was younger, I hid myself from the world. Getting the wrong kind of attention from grown men led me to hiding myself. I picked the thickest plastic glasses frames when I found I needed glasses, wore loose fitting clothes that were way too big for me. I dressed weird. I didn't do my hair and makeup nicely.
In 8th or 9th grade, after I had stood up to my father and decided I was not a victim any longer, I started changing. I had somewhat of a "cosmetic" surgery to remove part of a birth defect that was gross. I switched out my glasses for contacts. I started spending time doing my hair and makeup, even dressed in nicer, fitting clothes. I started feeling more confident. I met my ex.
My ex encouraged me to let myself go. He would act jealous if I did my hair and makeup. I started dressing in oversized clothes again, stopped wearing makeup, stopped taking care of myself. My focus was on my kids and him. He would "support" me in going to school or work by giving his permission, but made it difficult for me to be successful. I still had to maintain all of the same responsibilities I had as a stay at home mom. If I did dress nice or do my makeup, he would make "joking" comments about me having a boyfriend.
I think he felt like he wasn't good enough and I would move on if I realized how strong, beautiful, and confident I could be. The truth was, if he had put half of that energy into making himself better, he wouldn't have had anything to worry about. Instead of pulling himself up, he tried to pull me down to his level.
He tried to make me feel like I was stuck with him. We have 4 kids to take care of, and I had very little education and job experience. When I told him to leave, scoffed a little. He figured I would beg him to come back when I realized I couldn't make it on my own. I guess he had started believing I was as weak as he wanted me to be. When that didn't happen, he made it harder for me on purpose, reminding me the all I would have to do is take him back and he would take care of us. That hasn't worked either.
Instead of staying where he left me, I started pulling myself back up. I started working out, started dressing nicer again, doing my hair and makeup, got a job...I am working hard and proving that I am strong, beautiful, and confident. I don't need him here, dragging me down, and I don't want him.
I am not sure if it is a sign of maturity or self confidence, but Mr. Right encourages me to take care of myself and likes that I put effort into looking nice, even though he lives an hour and a half away. He has never asked me why am I making myself look nice for other people that aren't him...I think he knows I am looking nice for me. I still do not like the idea of being looked at. I fight the urge every day to just let myself go, but I do want to feel good. And I want my kids to be proud when they say that is my mom. I want Mr. Right to be proud to have me by his side.
The only one who can hold me back is me, and I am not allowing that any longer.
