New Adventures

After 15 years of marriage, I am separated. In the state I live in, you have to be separated a year before you are granted a divorce. It's a mandatory purgatory. Being semi single is very stressful. When I was happily married, I never really looked at who was around me. I have been known to be oblivious to flirting, eye contact, and smiles. Now I have started paying attention, and it makes my very anxious. I am still pretty oblivious to flirting and such, but just seeing individual people instead of the crowd is horrifying. I've come to the conclusion that I don't like to be looked at. I want to have someone in my life to help me relax and make me smile, but I don't want to meet new people...it is scary. I made a profile on a dating website. It is a little easier to "talk" to someone that way, but I was a nervous wreck every time I left the house that someone would recognize me from my picture online and approach me, so I deleted my profile. I did meet a few people on there though, and I am still talking to one guy. I am definitely happy with my decision to get a divorce. It was past time for that to happen. I do not like being single though. I think I liked it better when the crowd was a crowd and not individual people. I want to go back into hiding...I am not a very adventurous person, I guess.

Wild and Crazy?

Most women/girls who are molested go through a wild and crazy phase and sleep around. All of my sisters did this. One of them never really grew out of it. I never really went crazy. I have tried a couple of times, but I guess God must be watching out for me, because it just never worked out. When I was 16, I decided I wanted the 30+ year old man. My mom and sister hated him, so that made him very attractive. I threw myself at him, and he was interested, but since he had already been in trouble for statutory rape, he knew to steer clear. He pushed me towards my future husband instead. Fast forward 16 years later, and here I am about to be divorced, and feeling a little wild and crazy again. I met a guy off the internet...complete stranger...and I was prepared to sleep with him. We both had said we were just wanting to hook up, no games and no attachment. I guess God was looking out for me again though because this guy didn't really mean that. He wanted me to be attached to him so that he could let me down easy, and leave me broken hearted. I don't attach easily though, so I didn't keep his interest for long and we didn't sleep together. I talked to a couple of other guys I met online. I did meet up with one that I slept with with no intention of a relationship of any kind. It wasn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be. I haven't seen him since then, and I am not talking to him any more. The second guy I met only with intentions of being friends. He knew I was stressed and needed a break, so he offered to take me out to coffee or something just to talk and get away. I agreed to meet him, and it was nice. I met him 2 or 3 times just to talk and get to now each other and I really did like him. Now we are seeing each other...whatever that means...and I really like him. I am so glad that wild and crazy didn't work out for me. I don't really understand why people do it anyway. I know I haven't slept with a lot of guys, and maybe just the wrong ones, but I didn't think it was all that fun the few times I did sleep with someone new.