I am anything but fine.

Every day, all day long, anyone you make eye contact with asks you how you are doing. Of course they really don't want to hear your life story, just "I'm fine, thanks. How are you?" I think they train us for this in preschool. I don't understand this game. Why ask if you don't want to know? It is ok to just say hi and keep moving. Why do I have to be put in that awkward spot where all of the real answers are going through my mind and I have to bite my tongue and finish your ritual? I want to scream, all day long, I am not fine. I am temporarily broken. I haven't seen my kids in almost 2 months. My ex is threatening to keep half of them...and they want to stay! My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 days ago. I feel horrible every day because I am a horrible friend and girlfriend/fiance. People who want to really talk to me get ignored more often than not. I'm not very good family either. My needing to try and do everything by the rules has put me in a very bad place with my ex and kids. I could have made things easier by doing things differently. Not anything illegal, just not "right." I constantly feel like I'm failing. Failing at being a good enough mother, failing to be strong enough, failing to be a fun friend and girlfriend, failing at being a good daughter, failing to be a good sister, failing to pull myself up out of this funk...I could keep going, but I won't.

I know this is temporary and I will fight my way back into a good place, but please, if you see me on the street, don't ask me how I'm doing...you don't want to know and I don't want to talk about it all day long. I feel pretty pathetic right now.

Beautiful Mess

I'm not very good at blogging :) I go too long between posts. I have had a lot on my mind lately though, and I am having a lot of new experiences.

I'm still with Mr. Right. He is great! It has been very interesting trying to communicate with him. I've spent my whole life trying to perfect communicating with "typical" people. This means trying to interpret what they really mean, since people usually don't say what the mean directly, and also trying to word things in a way the they would understand and will not be offended by. This has led to an annoying habit that was pointed out by Mr. Right, and now I notice it all the time. I talk in over used, often cliche, phrases. I think that I have worked hard to figure out what they mean, and I know that typically everyone else understands them, so I feel like they help me get my point across...Now they just annoy me :) Sometimes Mr. Right is saying what he means and I try to interpret it, and other times he is not being literal but I take what he says literal. This happens in reverse too. Sometimes I am being literal and he is looking for my hidden meaning. Luckily, we communicate well (meaning we are mature about it, not trying to hurt each other or one up each other) so we are figuring this stuff out. We realize that a lot of the things we were unhappy about with each other were misinterpretations. Since we are both different, that should make it easier for us to get each other, but that doesn't work when we are trying to communicate with each other like we do everyone else.

On top of the difficulty communicating, he also is used to being treated like everything is his fault, so any time I am talking to him he is hearing that I blame him for whatever problem we are discussing. He is also used to not being listened to and being treated like he doesn't know what he is talking about, so he wants to do everything his way without any compromise. I am used to always having to be in charge. I don't want to be in charge any more. I do want my opinion heard though, and I want it to matter.

I had another revelation recently. I've kept myself in this safe little box. For 3 years, all through middle school and my first year of high school, I dated a boy that lived in another town. We didn't really date, it was more like a grade school relationship, where I say that's my boyfriend, but we don't actually talk to each other :) We went on a few dates, held hands, he slept over at my house a few times, but we didn't even kiss. That was very safe and comfortable. If someone pursued me I could say I was taken and not have to deal with them or hurt their feelings. All of my relationships have been kind of like that. I never pursued or wanted anyone. I had a couple of boyfriends who liked me well enough, and I was ok with them. Sadly, my relationship with my ex was the same. I loved being married and able to say I was taken, not dealing with people liking or wanting me. I was "in charge" in my relationships. I broke them off when I was done with them. I never dealt with rejection or even had to compromise any more than I wanted. I didn't need them. I knew it and they knew it. The only guy I pursued was the 30+ year old man that I knew wouldn't say yes to me, and I didn't really want him to, so that was ok. That has all changed now. I want Mr. Right. He knows that I want him. I worry about him taking advantage of that. I feel weak. Now I have to worry about making him happy and keeping him. I don't know how to be in a relationship like this. Emotions are foreign to me any way, and now I have too many.

I let my kids go to their dad's for the summer, which was very hard for me, and now he is trying to keep 2 of them. I think he just wants to get out of paying child support. I have not been handling this well. They are 1000 miles away and have been away from me longer than ever. Thay aren't being taken care of, so I can't take care of myself. It makes me feel guilty. This has also made me very emotional, so of course, I take it out on Mr. Right, making it even harder to feel secure in our relationship. Some of the kids want to stay with their dad, and that is hard for me. Like I said before, I've never had to deal with rejection. Now I am dealing with being rejected by my babies. I have given my whole life to trying to do what is best for them, even when it meant giving up what I wanted or what was best for me, and now they want to live with someone who only thinks of himself...life is so unfair and unkind. And they want to stay for material things. I feel like I failed somewhere. Neglected to teach them about what is important in life. I also fear that my complaining about how much they've hurt me is going to make it harder for Mr. Right to love them. I've really made a mess of things. I should have kept them. I am a full time, hands on mom. I do not know what to do with myself without them. Makes me wonder how I will survive them growing up :)

Sorry, It's been a while.

A lot has happened in the last 7 or 8 months. I read me last blog to see where I left off and was shocked :-) Somehow I went from really liking that guy who I wasn't too sure about to meeting Mr. Right. Because of issues with my ex, I was tempoarily unplugged (that is what I call it when the kids are grounded from their electronics), so I'll try to do a recap of the last few months.

That guy I was seeing is a great guy. He is a good father, and responsible man, but I never felt really comfortable with him. I never felt sure that he liked me as much as I liked him, and in the end it turned out I was right. I was ok with it too. Turns out I wasn't that into him either. I wanted to be, but I realized from the beginning that he would never want to share his kids with me and wasn't interested in taking in anyone else's kids. He was not single mother dating material. He was fun though, and I learned some things about myself, so I consider that a success.

A couple months after I ended things with him, I was putting myself back out there to meet new people when I stumbled accross Mr. Right! He is a little strange, like me. We have a lot of things in common, and some things that are different, but we compliment each other. Neither one of us has the rose colored glasses mentality, so we have had some issues, but we've been dating for 6 months. We are talking about marriage even! We both came from long marriages where we were fighting to make things work while the other person didn't. I know that we can work through anything because we both are committed and stubborn :-) That is what it takes to have a long marriage, and I am excited to have a partner for once.

As for my home, things have been going ok, I guess. My oldest son is now taller than me and very proud of it. My mom has had a hard time adjusting to my new guy. She love him, but is having a hard time with me loving him. I think part of it is jealousy (she is lonely), and part of it is that she has never seen me so into someone...neither have I...I will blog about that later. The kids love him too. My mom is leaving in a couple weeks and that is very scary. I still have to work full time to make ends meet. Technically, my kids are at an age that I should be able to get home a few hours after them and be ok, but they haven't had much experience with that, and my oldest is autistic, so I'm very nervous about it. Ever since my mom told me she was leaving, I've been an emotional roller coaster. That wasn't a typo. I'm aware that people usually say they are on an emotional roller coaster. I took Mr. Right for a ride. I am so glad he's stubborn and committed. When I am in a stressful situation, I am like superwoman, but right now I am falling apart. I have a couple more weeks before things get really tough so I have to get all of my panicing out now. There will be no time for that later. My ex has not sent anything to help care for his kids since last August. I am in the process of getting his wages garnished for child support. A good friend of mine loaned me her truck so that I could get a job. I started working towards the end of August. A couple of my friends helped me get caught up on my rent so that I could start out a little less suffocated. I got a new to me car with my tax money. My mandatory purgatory will be over next week, but now I don't have the $850 for a divorce. I am not sure how I will swing that, but I will...I think that is all of the updates...now I can come back later and talk about more of the emotional, learning experience parts of the story.

Self Discovery

I have always thought of myself as a strong, independent woman. I was a great military wife, always taking care of everything on my own since my husband was unable to be dependable. I was a champ when it came to deployments. There were times I went to school full time and took care of my children with very little help since my husband was on the other side of the planet. I have worked full time jobs with overtime and taken care of my family a few times too, but not often...Mostly I was a stay at home mom and a full time student. The only thing my husband really supplied through most of our marriage was the income. I had to take care of all of the other responsibilities...Cleaning, child rearing, Dr. appointments, bills, shopping, budgeting, cleaning up financial disasters caused by my husband, pto, and sometimes school or work. I did it all, and I felt pretty good about myself.

Lately, I've been seeing someone who I like probably more than I should, and I have been feeling pretty insecure. This has bothered me a lot...to the point I was starting to feel depressed about it. Strong, independent women do not get needy and insecure. I was starting to doubt the way I have always seen myself. It is very common for people to view themselves differently than everyone else does, and I was starting to think that I had been lying to myself all of those years.

Tonight, I had a sort of revelation. I was thinking about how insecure my husband had been towards the end of our marriage. He was scared to death that I was out looking for someone else even though that was not something I would do. I realized that the reason he was acting like that was because he was no longer providing for us, and he knew he wasn't bringing enough to the table. He felt like he wasn't worthy, so I would find someone who was. I think that is how he was feeling, not necessarily how I was feeling.

Thinking about that made me realize that I am not bringing enough (in my own mind) to the table in the relationship I am in now. I am currently in the middle of my divorce, jobless, and without a vehicle. It is no wonder I am feeling insecure right now...I wouldn't want to date me. I know that once I get my situation under control again...and I will because I am a strong and independent woman...I will feel more secure with who I am. I feel so much better now because I am able to see past my temporary feelings due to this situation enough to know that I am still the same person I always have been. Being in a rut doesn't make me weak or needy, it just makes me human. How I handle this situation is what will tell me who I really am, and I don't plan to lie down and take this crap any more. I am ready to stand up and fight so that I can feel secure again...insecurity sucks!

New Adventures

After 15 years of marriage, I am separated. In the state I live in, you have to be separated a year before you are granted a divorce. It's a mandatory purgatory. Being semi single is very stressful. When I was happily married, I never really looked at who was around me. I have been known to be oblivious to flirting, eye contact, and smiles. Now I have started paying attention, and it makes my very anxious. I am still pretty oblivious to flirting and such, but just seeing individual people instead of the crowd is horrifying. I've come to the conclusion that I don't like to be looked at. I want to have someone in my life to help me relax and make me smile, but I don't want to meet new people...it is scary. I made a profile on a dating website. It is a little easier to "talk" to someone that way, but I was a nervous wreck every time I left the house that someone would recognize me from my picture online and approach me, so I deleted my profile. I did meet a few people on there though, and I am still talking to one guy. I am definitely happy with my decision to get a divorce. It was past time for that to happen. I do not like being single though. I think I liked it better when the crowd was a crowd and not individual people. I want to go back into hiding...I am not a very adventurous person, I guess.

Wild and Crazy?

Most women/girls who are molested go through a wild and crazy phase and sleep around. All of my sisters did this. One of them never really grew out of it. I never really went crazy. I have tried a couple of times, but I guess God must be watching out for me, because it just never worked out. When I was 16, I decided I wanted the 30+ year old man. My mom and sister hated him, so that made him very attractive. I threw myself at him, and he was interested, but since he had already been in trouble for statutory rape, he knew to steer clear. He pushed me towards my future husband instead. Fast forward 16 years later, and here I am about to be divorced, and feeling a little wild and crazy again. I met a guy off the internet...complete stranger...and I was prepared to sleep with him. We both had said we were just wanting to hook up, no games and no attachment. I guess God was looking out for me again though because this guy didn't really mean that. He wanted me to be attached to him so that he could let me down easy, and leave me broken hearted. I don't attach easily though, so I didn't keep his interest for long and we didn't sleep together. I talked to a couple of other guys I met online. I did meet up with one that I slept with with no intention of a relationship of any kind. It wasn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be. I haven't seen him since then, and I am not talking to him any more. The second guy I met only with intentions of being friends. He knew I was stressed and needed a break, so he offered to take me out to coffee or something just to talk and get away. I agreed to meet him, and it was nice. I met him 2 or 3 times just to talk and get to now each other and I really did like him. Now we are seeing each other...whatever that means...and I really like him. I am so glad that wild and crazy didn't work out for me. I don't really understand why people do it anyway. I know I haven't slept with a lot of guys, and maybe just the wrong ones, but I didn't think it was all that fun the few times I did sleep with someone new.