Every day, all day long, anyone you make eye contact with asks you how you are doing. Of course they really don't want to hear your life story, just "I'm fine, thanks. How are you?" I think they train us for this in preschool. I don't understand this game. Why ask if you don't want to know? It is ok to just say hi and keep moving. Why do I have to be put in that awkward spot where all of the real answers are going through my mind and I have to bite my tongue and finish your ritual? I want to scream, all day long, I am not fine. I am temporarily broken. I haven't seen my kids in almost 2 months. My ex is threatening to keep half of them...and they want to stay! My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 days ago. I feel horrible every day because I am a horrible friend and girlfriend/fiance. People who want to really talk to me get ignored more often than not. I'm not very good family either. My needing to try and do everything by the rules has put me in a very bad place with my ex and kids. I could have made things easier by doing things differently. Not anything illegal, just not "right." I constantly feel like I'm failing. Failing at being a good enough mother, failing to be strong enough, failing to be a fun friend and girlfriend, failing at being a good daughter, failing to be a good sister, failing to pull myself up out of this funk...I could keep going, but I won't.
I know this is temporary and I will fight my way back into a good place, but please, if you see me on the street, don't ask me how I'm doing...you don't want to know and I don't want to talk about it all day long. I feel pretty pathetic right now.
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