Guts

People love to look at beautiful things. They will talk about the beauty and strength of an object without giving a thought to what goes into making it that way. When you meet a new person, you only show them your pretty exterior. It takes love and trust to be able to let a person see how you work. Strangers quite often look like they have it all together, but if you were allowed to see how they really feel, you would see something that looks a little more messy. You would see their fear and a little chaos perhaps. I'm learning that some people don't want to see what goes into making something beautiful. They want the mystery and the magic...just to touch the surface and never see the guts of an object. I see beauty in how things work. They look even more beautiful to me when I see how much effort and thought goes into them. I think I need to work on my mask. It has too many holes in it...someone might see more of what goes on behind the scenes than they would like and ruin the mystery.

I'm a mess on the inside. I'm strong. I know I'm strong. I've been through things that would have broken most people and I have made it through and been successful in life. I also have anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and asperger's. I've always thought that I was choosing to keep people from seeing the messy parts of me, but now I'm starting to realize that people don't want to see it. Choosing to let people see it all is choosing to lose people. Everyone has their own mess to deal with. They want the impression that they know the "real" you, that they are there for you and want to take care of their friends/family, but are not prepared to deal with someone else's mess. I guess the trick is letting people see just enough of your needy side to let them feel needed and helpful but not too much.

Obviously, I'm feeling discouraged tonight. Tomorrow is a new day though. I'm going to go get my kids back and just move on like I have been, and quit trying to let people in...they don't want in anyway. I guess I wasn't as different as I thought :) I just didn't realize everyone else was pretending.