So Complicated

I'm pretty miserable right now. I have a lot of valid reasons/excuses for it, but still feel like I am failing somehow by feeling this way.

First off, this time of year marks the birthday and the anniversary of the death of my first son. He passed away at 16 days old, so they fall close together. People at work were talking about babies that had died from various causes within earshot, and I thought I was going to lose my composure.

Secondly, my mom has lung cancer and possibly breast cancer. I'm not sure how likely she is to go into remission or be cured, but so far it all seems scary and hopeless

Another kind of sad thing is how fast my kids are growing up. I have a 2nd grader, 5th grader, 8th grader, and freshman in high school. My oldest is taller than me now. I don't get to spend nearly enough time with them, not even enough to make them do things they have to, let alone for fun stuff. I can't. I have to work full time, and my hours are a little odd.

On top of all this, I am pmsing...mother nature hates me, I think...very bad timing.

And on to what I am focussing on the most in my head, mostly because this subject is easier to deal with than the others (even though it still hurts like heck and leaves me crying myself to sleep at night)...you've probably guessed it if you've read my blog at all...The boyfriend/fiance.

I think he is inadvertently setting us all up for failure. We are planning to become one big family, but right now we live in different cities (may as well be different countries). He only has one child, a son, who is just 2 and a half. When he is with his son, which is more often than not, he neglects everything and everyone else. He is trying to be the best dad ever, which I understand, but he is trying too hard. Sometimes he even goes days without a shower because his son might need him while he is in there. He is late for work because he doesn't want to make him get up before he is ready. He doesn't communicate with me because it would take away from his time with his son.

I don't think this is healthy. He has put himself and his son in this little bubble, excluding everyone else, telling himself he is doing what is best for his son. I think he is really thinking about himself. He is so worried that his son will love someone else more than him or believe that someone else loves him more than his dad that he is over doing it. There is no way for him to keep this up (nor should he) so he is setting himself up to fail. If his son thinks that his dad loves him because he is the center of his universe, what happens when one day he has to focus on something/someone else? What happens when 5 people move in and there is all of that distraction? We become the enemy of the father and the son.

There are going to be a lot of people that love his son (if he doesn't ruin him first) and he should let him feel ok to accept that love. And he shouldn't feel bad loving other people. Mr. Right needs to feel secure in his love for and from his son and know it is special without the little bubble for two. His son also NEEDS to see him love other people so that he can learn by example how relationships work. It isn't healthy for him to think it is dependent on people being the center of attention all the time. Right now, they can be in a house full of people, and the only person the son wants is his daddy and that is what his daddy wants...for no one else to exist. I can't tell him that, of course, because too much parenting advice makes enemies. I am trying to be patient, but I am scared that the family I am all excited about is not going to happen.

We will be resented when we get too close to the bubble. I already feel resented on the few occasions we get to visit. He is not preparing either of them for the change that he says he wants.

And I haven't even mentioned the ex yet. I get pushed aside a lot of times to keep the ex happy so that she doesn't use the baby against his daddy...something I'm told will get better, but a finalized divorce will not change her ability to use the baby as a weapon...neither will our marriage. The only thing that can change her ability to use the baby is him no longer fearing it. He needs to be more direct with her and not allow her to play the games. His fear of her reactions encourage the games. I don't know her well enough to know how much of a threat she is, but I know fighting is better that rolling over or living in fear. I know that I am in a lot of pain feeling like I don't fit into his life and maybe never will. I've never been so emotionally attached to a man. Never felt this kind of love. We fit together so well, and he has no room for me in his life. And I don't know how to make him understand he needs to make room. And I don't want to walk away, despite the pain. I won't uproot and move my kids with things this uncertain either though.

Update: I emailed a copy of this to Mr. Right because fighting is better than rolling over or living in fear...hope he doesn't hate me for it :-/