Beautiful Mess

I'm not very good at blogging :) I go too long between posts. I have had a lot on my mind lately though, and I am having a lot of new experiences.

I'm still with Mr. Right. He is great! It has been very interesting trying to communicate with him. I've spent my whole life trying to perfect communicating with "typical" people. This means trying to interpret what they really mean, since people usually don't say what the mean directly, and also trying to word things in a way the they would understand and will not be offended by. This has led to an annoying habit that was pointed out by Mr. Right, and now I notice it all the time. I talk in over used, often cliche, phrases. I think that I have worked hard to figure out what they mean, and I know that typically everyone else understands them, so I feel like they help me get my point across...Now they just annoy me :) Sometimes Mr. Right is saying what he means and I try to interpret it, and other times he is not being literal but I take what he says literal. This happens in reverse too. Sometimes I am being literal and he is looking for my hidden meaning. Luckily, we communicate well (meaning we are mature about it, not trying to hurt each other or one up each other) so we are figuring this stuff out. We realize that a lot of the things we were unhappy about with each other were misinterpretations. Since we are both different, that should make it easier for us to get each other, but that doesn't work when we are trying to communicate with each other like we do everyone else.

On top of the difficulty communicating, he also is used to being treated like everything is his fault, so any time I am talking to him he is hearing that I blame him for whatever problem we are discussing. He is also used to not being listened to and being treated like he doesn't know what he is talking about, so he wants to do everything his way without any compromise. I am used to always having to be in charge. I don't want to be in charge any more. I do want my opinion heard though, and I want it to matter.

I had another revelation recently. I've kept myself in this safe little box. For 3 years, all through middle school and my first year of high school, I dated a boy that lived in another town. We didn't really date, it was more like a grade school relationship, where I say that's my boyfriend, but we don't actually talk to each other :) We went on a few dates, held hands, he slept over at my house a few times, but we didn't even kiss. That was very safe and comfortable. If someone pursued me I could say I was taken and not have to deal with them or hurt their feelings. All of my relationships have been kind of like that. I never pursued or wanted anyone. I had a couple of boyfriends who liked me well enough, and I was ok with them. Sadly, my relationship with my ex was the same. I loved being married and able to say I was taken, not dealing with people liking or wanting me. I was "in charge" in my relationships. I broke them off when I was done with them. I never dealt with rejection or even had to compromise any more than I wanted. I didn't need them. I knew it and they knew it. The only guy I pursued was the 30+ year old man that I knew wouldn't say yes to me, and I didn't really want him to, so that was ok. That has all changed now. I want Mr. Right. He knows that I want him. I worry about him taking advantage of that. I feel weak. Now I have to worry about making him happy and keeping him. I don't know how to be in a relationship like this. Emotions are foreign to me any way, and now I have too many.

I let my kids go to their dad's for the summer, which was very hard for me, and now he is trying to keep 2 of them. I think he just wants to get out of paying child support. I have not been handling this well. They are 1000 miles away and have been away from me longer than ever. Thay aren't being taken care of, so I can't take care of myself. It makes me feel guilty. This has also made me very emotional, so of course, I take it out on Mr. Right, making it even harder to feel secure in our relationship. Some of the kids want to stay with their dad, and that is hard for me. Like I said before, I've never had to deal with rejection. Now I am dealing with being rejected by my babies. I have given my whole life to trying to do what is best for them, even when it meant giving up what I wanted or what was best for me, and now they want to live with someone who only thinks of himself...life is so unfair and unkind. And they want to stay for material things. I feel like I failed somewhere. Neglected to teach them about what is important in life. I also fear that my complaining about how much they've hurt me is going to make it harder for Mr. Right to love them. I've really made a mess of things. I should have kept them. I am a full time, hands on mom. I do not know what to do with myself without them. Makes me wonder how I will survive them growing up :)