What's in a Title?

In my previous relationship I was in charge. I didn't really want to be, but I had no choice. My ex was not very smart or mature, so I had to make decisions to keep our family successful. Sometimes I had to do things to give him the impression that he was making decisions and sometimes I tried to let him make decisions, knowing I would regret it. Being in charge had its advantages and disadvantages. An obvious advantage was getting to choose what I wanted, but sometimes that was just choosing the lesser of two evils. The disadvantage was that anything that went wrong was my fault, even when it wasn't...even when I let him make decisions. I don't ever want to be in a relationship like that again. I wouldn't mind being equal partners or letting the other person be in charge, but I don't want everything on my shoulders any more. My ex literally just brought in the money...that was it...I did everything else. Every now and then he would play with the kids, giving me a moment to rest, but then I would have to work twice as hard cleaning up their mess and reminding the kids of the rules afterwards. If I sent him to buy diapers, he would buy the wrong kind of diapers and a movie and cd. I couldn't trust him with any money or task. Asking him to help or be an adult would end up being a punishment for myself, so mostly, I didn't ask. I just took care of things myself.

Mr. Right wants to be the man of the house and I am more than happy to let him be. I am finding myself a little uncomfortable with our dynamics though. For one thing, I'm not sure he knows how smart I am. He occasionally makes "stupid women" jokes, and I get that they are jokes, but I would be more comfortable with them if I knew that he knows how smart I am. I'm not sure how to let him know without coming across as bragging or competing. It doesn't help that I haven't been in school for a while and I can hear my grammar getting worse every day :) I feel stupid sometimes, even though I know I am not, so I might be a little insecure about that. Also, he is used to fighting to be heard and then not being listened to, so he wants to just do things his way, end of story, no discussion. I trust him and know he is smart enough to make great decisions, but I still want to be included in the process. I want to discuss our options, have my opinion heard, and hear why we are doing what we are doing...I guess that is a show of respect in a way, it would show that he knows I would understand, and am worthy (smart enough) to know what's going on. Honestly, I can't see him not treating me this way. He is very respectful, kind, and loving. When he talks about how it will be though, he makes it seem as though I will be expected to just blindly follow with no explanations or input. This is one of those problems we have with communication. He says things in a sarcastic or joking way sometimes and I take them literally.

That is something else I'm not sure about. How much joking is too much? Just about everyone I know makes jokes at other people's expense...sometimes at their own expense. People make jokes at your expense even when they love you. Where is the line for when it is too much? I was constantly making excuses for my ex when he would say rude things to me or about me...he was just being funny...I don't want to have to do that any more. Sometimes the jokes are funny and picking at someone can be playful and loving, but I don't think I know the difference. The same joke can be funny one day and hurt my feelings another. Since my feelings can be ruled by hormones or what kind of day I've had, I'm pretty sure they are not an indication of what is too much. I may never understand this concept. 

We have a lot of learning to do. We are both excited about learning, so I think we are going to do great. When I tell him I don't like something he said or did, it almost always rubs him the wrong way, but he thinks about it and talks to me about it again, a day or two later, with a better understanding. That is great...knowing that he listened and understood what I said. He doesn't always come back agreeing with what I said. Sometimes he comes back with a better explanation for what he said or did, and I get to understand him better. This part of our dynamics I love! I don't want to be treated like I'm always right and secretly resented. I want to learn and understand better. I want to be understood.

Beautiful Mess

I'm not very good at blogging :) I go too long between posts. I have had a lot on my mind lately though, and I am having a lot of new experiences.

I'm still with Mr. Right. He is great! It has been very interesting trying to communicate with him. I've spent my whole life trying to perfect communicating with "typical" people. This means trying to interpret what they really mean, since people usually don't say what the mean directly, and also trying to word things in a way the they would understand and will not be offended by. This has led to an annoying habit that was pointed out by Mr. Right, and now I notice it all the time. I talk in over used, often cliche, phrases. I think that I have worked hard to figure out what they mean, and I know that typically everyone else understands them, so I feel like they help me get my point across...Now they just annoy me :) Sometimes Mr. Right is saying what he means and I try to interpret it, and other times he is not being literal but I take what he says literal. This happens in reverse too. Sometimes I am being literal and he is looking for my hidden meaning. Luckily, we communicate well (meaning we are mature about it, not trying to hurt each other or one up each other) so we are figuring this stuff out. We realize that a lot of the things we were unhappy about with each other were misinterpretations. Since we are both different, that should make it easier for us to get each other, but that doesn't work when we are trying to communicate with each other like we do everyone else.

On top of the difficulty communicating, he also is used to being treated like everything is his fault, so any time I am talking to him he is hearing that I blame him for whatever problem we are discussing. He is also used to not being listened to and being treated like he doesn't know what he is talking about, so he wants to do everything his way without any compromise. I am used to always having to be in charge. I don't want to be in charge any more. I do want my opinion heard though, and I want it to matter.

I had another revelation recently. I've kept myself in this safe little box. For 3 years, all through middle school and my first year of high school, I dated a boy that lived in another town. We didn't really date, it was more like a grade school relationship, where I say that's my boyfriend, but we don't actually talk to each other :) We went on a few dates, held hands, he slept over at my house a few times, but we didn't even kiss. That was very safe and comfortable. If someone pursued me I could say I was taken and not have to deal with them or hurt their feelings. All of my relationships have been kind of like that. I never pursued or wanted anyone. I had a couple of boyfriends who liked me well enough, and I was ok with them. Sadly, my relationship with my ex was the same. I loved being married and able to say I was taken, not dealing with people liking or wanting me. I was "in charge" in my relationships. I broke them off when I was done with them. I never dealt with rejection or even had to compromise any more than I wanted. I didn't need them. I knew it and they knew it. The only guy I pursued was the 30+ year old man that I knew wouldn't say yes to me, and I didn't really want him to, so that was ok. That has all changed now. I want Mr. Right. He knows that I want him. I worry about him taking advantage of that. I feel weak. Now I have to worry about making him happy and keeping him. I don't know how to be in a relationship like this. Emotions are foreign to me any way, and now I have too many.

I let my kids go to their dad's for the summer, which was very hard for me, and now he is trying to keep 2 of them. I think he just wants to get out of paying child support. I have not been handling this well. They are 1000 miles away and have been away from me longer than ever. Thay aren't being taken care of, so I can't take care of myself. It makes me feel guilty. This has also made me very emotional, so of course, I take it out on Mr. Right, making it even harder to feel secure in our relationship. Some of the kids want to stay with their dad, and that is hard for me. Like I said before, I've never had to deal with rejection. Now I am dealing with being rejected by my babies. I have given my whole life to trying to do what is best for them, even when it meant giving up what I wanted or what was best for me, and now they want to live with someone who only thinks of himself...life is so unfair and unkind. And they want to stay for material things. I feel like I failed somewhere. Neglected to teach them about what is important in life. I also fear that my complaining about how much they've hurt me is going to make it harder for Mr. Right to love them. I've really made a mess of things. I should have kept them. I am a full time, hands on mom. I do not know what to do with myself without them. Makes me wonder how I will survive them growing up :)

Sorry, It's been a while.

A lot has happened in the last 7 or 8 months. I read me last blog to see where I left off and was shocked :-) Somehow I went from really liking that guy who I wasn't too sure about to meeting Mr. Right. Because of issues with my ex, I was tempoarily unplugged (that is what I call it when the kids are grounded from their electronics), so I'll try to do a recap of the last few months.

That guy I was seeing is a great guy. He is a good father, and responsible man, but I never felt really comfortable with him. I never felt sure that he liked me as much as I liked him, and in the end it turned out I was right. I was ok with it too. Turns out I wasn't that into him either. I wanted to be, but I realized from the beginning that he would never want to share his kids with me and wasn't interested in taking in anyone else's kids. He was not single mother dating material. He was fun though, and I learned some things about myself, so I consider that a success.

A couple months after I ended things with him, I was putting myself back out there to meet new people when I stumbled accross Mr. Right! He is a little strange, like me. We have a lot of things in common, and some things that are different, but we compliment each other. Neither one of us has the rose colored glasses mentality, so we have had some issues, but we've been dating for 6 months. We are talking about marriage even! We both came from long marriages where we were fighting to make things work while the other person didn't. I know that we can work through anything because we both are committed and stubborn :-) That is what it takes to have a long marriage, and I am excited to have a partner for once.

As for my home, things have been going ok, I guess. My oldest son is now taller than me and very proud of it. My mom has had a hard time adjusting to my new guy. She love him, but is having a hard time with me loving him. I think part of it is jealousy (she is lonely), and part of it is that she has never seen me so into someone...neither have I...I will blog about that later. The kids love him too. My mom is leaving in a couple weeks and that is very scary. I still have to work full time to make ends meet. Technically, my kids are at an age that I should be able to get home a few hours after them and be ok, but they haven't had much experience with that, and my oldest is autistic, so I'm very nervous about it. Ever since my mom told me she was leaving, I've been an emotional roller coaster. That wasn't a typo. I'm aware that people usually say they are on an emotional roller coaster. I took Mr. Right for a ride. I am so glad he's stubborn and committed. When I am in a stressful situation, I am like superwoman, but right now I am falling apart. I have a couple more weeks before things get really tough so I have to get all of my panicing out now. There will be no time for that later. My ex has not sent anything to help care for his kids since last August. I am in the process of getting his wages garnished for child support. A good friend of mine loaned me her truck so that I could get a job. I started working towards the end of August. A couple of my friends helped me get caught up on my rent so that I could start out a little less suffocated. I got a new to me car with my tax money. My mandatory purgatory will be over next week, but now I don't have the $850 for a divorce. I am not sure how I will swing that, but I will...I think that is all of the updates...now I can come back later and talk about more of the emotional, learning experience parts of the story.

How Could I Be So Blind?

After almost 33 years of life, I have learned something new about myself. You would think someone my age would know themselves pretty well, but I guess not always. What is funny about this is that I have Asperger's, and what I discovered is that I have a classic symptom of Asperger's...Shocking, I know. I was surprised :-)

For people with Asperger's, eye contact is uncomfortable and looking at someone's face is distracting. I realized a few days ago that I rarely ever look at people's faces. Not even my children's faces. I'm not sure why I never realized this before, but it has become a problem.

As I posted before, I am seeing a guy that I really like. I am constantly worried that he doesn't like me as much as I like him. About a week ago, I took him to my friends' house to play cards. Afterwards I talked to them and asked if they thought he liked me. They both were sure that he liked me, and even their 8 year old guessed that we were a couple...An 8 year old can read social cues that I miss!!!

A couple days after the card game I started having doubts again and even attempted to end the relationship. He talked me out of it, saying that he really likes me and wishes he could spend more time with me. I asked him to be more blunt about how he feels since I don't get the social cues...he still doesn't get it :-) The next time I was with him, I was kind of watching him, trying to see what I was missing. I looked at his face, and he was looking at me! I was uncomfortable, but his facial expression made me feel like he likes me. That is when I realized I had never really looked at his face before...and then I realized I do not usually look at anyone's faces.

I'm almost 33, and I just learned something new about myself :-) I definitely plan to try looking at faces more often, even though it makes me very uncomfortable. I was missing valuable information!

What is good for the goose is good for the gander???

I was born with Asperger’s Syndrome before people really knew what it was. I wasn’t diagnosed as a child, so my whole childhood was spent with my family trying to make me normal. I remember this very vividly. My mom and sister were mean to me, hoping that one day I would “break” and give it back to them, making me stronger. My silence was seen as me being immature and weak. I remember knowing why they did it, knowing that it wasn’t necessary, and knowing that it wouldn’t work. Out of stubbornness, I refused to strike back. I didn’t want to be their version of strong. I knew, even at a young age, that I didn’t have to be bitchy to be strong or mature. Because of my silence, I was often looked over, and even forgotten a time or two. That was painful for me but it didn’t change who I was. I didn’t have any friends until 4th grade, and I was ok with that. I didn’t want any friends…Not even then. My teacher assigned partners. Usually I avoided getting a partner, hoping for an uneven number. This time, I wasn’t given a choice, and my partner became my best friend. She is still one of my closest friends. I was hypo sensitive, meaning that I didn’t feel much pain, and the pain I did feel I tolerated very well. This led to me having a urinary tract, bladder, and kidney infection all at once. I never complained about it but it was discovered at a routine Dr. appointment. I remember that it hurt when I went to the bathroom, but I just thought it was normal.

I grew up being different, and not knowing why. Now, I have a 13 year old son with Asperger’s. It was my mom’s idea to have him tested for autism. Like I had been, he was 3 years old and not conversing. Somehow she noticed something wrong with him, but not with me…He wasn’t diagnosed right away. I was told he was socially retarded at first. They assumed he didn’t spend enough time with kids his own age. Actually, he was surrounded by kids his own age. I have a couple of nephews, second cousins, and friends with kids his age. We had him tested again at 5. His kindergarten teacher mentioned Asperger’s by name, and after researching it, I knew that was him and me. He also has the hypo sensitivity. A lot of his symptoms were clear before his first birthday, I just didn’t know what I was looking for.

I know that my mom worried about my lack of friends and that she didn’t need to. I was happy, but here I sit, worrying about my son’s lack of friends. I know that even though I don’t pay enough attention to my body due to it’s lack of feedback and I am ok, but here I sit worrying about my son’s health. I know that I loved my mom and my brother and sisters even though I didn’t probably show it, but here I sit feeling sad over my son’s lack of emotions. I know that I knew I was different and I liked who I was, but that doesn’t keep me from worrying about him not fitting in. I have all the same worries my mom did. I worry that he is weak and immature even. The difference is that I am not trying to force him to be normal. I am trying to lead with my brain, that knows he is ok, and not with my emotions that worry he will not make it in the cruel world. I hope I am doing the right thing in deciding that what is good for the goose is not good for the gander…After all, I did turn out alright.