I was born with Asperger’s Syndrome before people really knew what it was. I wasn’t diagnosed as a child, so my whole childhood was spent with my family trying to make me normal. I remember this very vividly. My mom and sister were mean to me, hoping that one day I would “break” and give it back to them, making me stronger. My silence was seen as me being immature and weak. I remember knowing why they did it, knowing that it wasn’t necessary, and knowing that it wouldn’t work. Out of stubbornness, I refused to strike back. I didn’t want to be their version of strong. I knew, even at a young age, that I didn’t have to be bitchy to be strong or mature. Because of my silence, I was often looked over, and even forgotten a time or two. That was painful for me but it didn’t change who I was. I didn’t have any friends until 4th grade, and I was ok with that. I didn’t want any friends…Not even then. My teacher assigned partners. Usually I avoided getting a partner, hoping for an uneven number. This time, I wasn’t given a choice, and my partner became my best friend. She is still one of my closest friends. I was hypo sensitive, meaning that I didn’t feel much pain, and the pain I did feel I tolerated very well. This led to me having a urinary tract, bladder, and kidney infection all at once. I never complained about it but it was discovered at a routine Dr. appointment. I remember that it hurt when I went to the bathroom, but I just thought it was normal.
I grew up being different, and not knowing why. Now, I have a 13 year old son with Asperger’s. It was my mom’s idea to have him tested for autism. Like I had been, he was 3 years old and not conversing. Somehow she noticed something wrong with him, but not with me…He wasn’t diagnosed right away. I was told he was socially retarded at first. They assumed he didn’t spend enough time with kids his own age. Actually, he was surrounded by kids his own age. I have a couple of nephews, second cousins, and friends with kids his age. We had him tested again at 5. His kindergarten teacher mentioned Asperger’s by name, and after researching it, I knew that was him and me. He also has the hypo sensitivity. A lot of his symptoms were clear before his first birthday, I just didn’t know what I was looking for.
I know that my mom worried about my lack of friends and that she didn’t need to. I was happy, but here I sit, worrying about my son’s lack of friends. I know that even though I don’t pay enough attention to my body due to it’s lack of feedback and I am ok, but here I sit worrying about my son’s health. I know that I loved my mom and my brother and sisters even though I didn’t probably show it, but here I sit feeling sad over my son’s lack of emotions. I know that I knew I was different and I liked who I was, but that doesn’t keep me from worrying about him not fitting in. I have all the same worries my mom did. I worry that he is weak and immature even. The difference is that I am not trying to force him to be normal. I am trying to lead with my brain, that knows he is ok, and not with my emotions that worry he will not make it in the cruel world. I hope I am doing the right thing in deciding that what is good for the goose is not good for the gander…After all, I did turn out alright.
