In my previous relationship I was in charge. I didn't really want to be, but I had no choice. My ex was not very smart or mature, so I had to make decisions to keep our family successful. Sometimes I had to do things to give him the impression that he was making decisions and sometimes I tried to let him make decisions, knowing I would regret it. Being in charge had its advantages and disadvantages. An obvious advantage was getting to choose what I wanted, but sometimes that was just choosing the lesser of two evils. The disadvantage was that anything that went wrong was my fault, even when it wasn't...even when I let him make decisions. I don't ever want to be in a relationship like that again. I wouldn't mind being equal partners or letting the other person be in charge, but I don't want everything on my shoulders any more. My ex literally just brought in the money...that was it...I did everything else. Every now and then he would play with the kids, giving me a moment to rest, but then I would have to work twice as hard cleaning up their mess and reminding the kids of the rules afterwards. If I sent him to buy diapers, he would buy the wrong kind of diapers and a movie and cd. I couldn't trust him with any money or task. Asking him to help or be an adult would end up being a punishment for myself, so mostly, I didn't ask. I just took care of things myself.
Mr. Right wants to be the man of the house and I am more than happy to let him be. I am finding myself a little uncomfortable with our dynamics though. For one thing, I'm not sure he knows how smart I am. He occasionally makes "stupid women" jokes, and I get that they are jokes, but I would be more comfortable with them if I knew that he knows how smart I am. I'm not sure how to let him know without coming across as bragging or competing. It doesn't help that I haven't been in school for a while and I can hear my grammar getting worse every day :) I feel stupid sometimes, even though I know I am not, so I might be a little insecure about that. Also, he is used to fighting to be heard and then not being listened to, so he wants to just do things his way, end of story, no discussion. I trust him and know he is smart enough to make great decisions, but I still want to be included in the process. I want to discuss our options, have my opinion heard, and hear why we are doing what we are doing...I guess that is a show of respect in a way, it would show that he knows I would understand, and am worthy (smart enough) to know what's going on. Honestly, I can't see him not treating me this way. He is very respectful, kind, and loving. When he talks about how it will be though, he makes it seem as though I will be expected to just blindly follow with no explanations or input. This is one of those problems we have with communication. He says things in a sarcastic or joking way sometimes and I take them literally.
That is something else I'm not sure about. How much joking is too much? Just about everyone I know makes jokes at other people's expense...sometimes at their own expense. People make jokes at your expense even when they love you. Where is the line for when it is too much? I was constantly making excuses for my ex when he would say rude things to me or about me...he was just being funny...I don't want to have to do that any more. Sometimes the jokes are funny and picking at someone can be playful and loving, but I don't think I know the difference. The same joke can be funny one day and hurt my feelings another. Since my feelings can be ruled by hormones or what kind of day I've had, I'm pretty sure they are not an indication of what is too much. I may never understand this concept.
We have a lot of learning to do. We are both excited about learning, so I think we are going to do great. When I tell him I don't like something he said or did, it almost always rubs him the wrong way, but he thinks about it and talks to me about it again, a day or two later, with a better understanding. That is great...knowing that he listened and understood what I said. He doesn't always come back agreeing with what I said. Sometimes he comes back with a better explanation for what he said or did, and I get to understand him better. This part of our dynamics I love! I don't want to be treated like I'm always right and secretly resented. I want to learn and understand better. I want to be understood.
