Self Discovery

I have always thought of myself as a strong, independent woman. I was a great military wife, always taking care of everything on my own since my husband was unable to be dependable. I was a champ when it came to deployments. There were times I went to school full time and took care of my children with very little help since my husband was on the other side of the planet. I have worked full time jobs with overtime and taken care of my family a few times too, but not often...Mostly I was a stay at home mom and a full time student. The only thing my husband really supplied through most of our marriage was the income. I had to take care of all of the other responsibilities...Cleaning, child rearing, Dr. appointments, bills, shopping, budgeting, cleaning up financial disasters caused by my husband, pto, and sometimes school or work. I did it all, and I felt pretty good about myself.

Lately, I've been seeing someone who I like probably more than I should, and I have been feeling pretty insecure. This has bothered me a lot...to the point I was starting to feel depressed about it. Strong, independent women do not get needy and insecure. I was starting to doubt the way I have always seen myself. It is very common for people to view themselves differently than everyone else does, and I was starting to think that I had been lying to myself all of those years.

Tonight, I had a sort of revelation. I was thinking about how insecure my husband had been towards the end of our marriage. He was scared to death that I was out looking for someone else even though that was not something I would do. I realized that the reason he was acting like that was because he was no longer providing for us, and he knew he wasn't bringing enough to the table. He felt like he wasn't worthy, so I would find someone who was. I think that is how he was feeling, not necessarily how I was feeling.

Thinking about that made me realize that I am not bringing enough (in my own mind) to the table in the relationship I am in now. I am currently in the middle of my divorce, jobless, and without a vehicle. It is no wonder I am feeling insecure right now...I wouldn't want to date me. I know that once I get my situation under control again...and I will because I am a strong and independent woman...I will feel more secure with who I am. I feel so much better now because I am able to see past my temporary feelings due to this situation enough to know that I am still the same person I always have been. Being in a rut doesn't make me weak or needy, it just makes me human. How I handle this situation is what will tell me who I really am, and I don't plan to lie down and take this crap any more. I am ready to stand up and fight so that I can feel secure again...insecurity sucks!