What is good for the goose is good for the gander???

I was born with Asperger’s Syndrome before people really knew what it was. I wasn’t diagnosed as a child, so my whole childhood was spent with my family trying to make me normal. I remember this very vividly. My mom and sister were mean to me, hoping that one day I would “break” and give it back to them, making me stronger. My silence was seen as me being immature and weak. I remember knowing why they did it, knowing that it wasn’t necessary, and knowing that it wouldn’t work. Out of stubbornness, I refused to strike back. I didn’t want to be their version of strong. I knew, even at a young age, that I didn’t have to be bitchy to be strong or mature. Because of my silence, I was often looked over, and even forgotten a time or two. That was painful for me but it didn’t change who I was. I didn’t have any friends until 4th grade, and I was ok with that. I didn’t want any friends…Not even then. My teacher assigned partners. Usually I avoided getting a partner, hoping for an uneven number. This time, I wasn’t given a choice, and my partner became my best friend. She is still one of my closest friends. I was hypo sensitive, meaning that I didn’t feel much pain, and the pain I did feel I tolerated very well. This led to me having a urinary tract, bladder, and kidney infection all at once. I never complained about it but it was discovered at a routine Dr. appointment. I remember that it hurt when I went to the bathroom, but I just thought it was normal.

I grew up being different, and not knowing why. Now, I have a 13 year old son with Asperger’s. It was my mom’s idea to have him tested for autism. Like I had been, he was 3 years old and not conversing. Somehow she noticed something wrong with him, but not with me…He wasn’t diagnosed right away. I was told he was socially retarded at first. They assumed he didn’t spend enough time with kids his own age. Actually, he was surrounded by kids his own age. I have a couple of nephews, second cousins, and friends with kids his age. We had him tested again at 5. His kindergarten teacher mentioned Asperger’s by name, and after researching it, I knew that was him and me. He also has the hypo sensitivity. A lot of his symptoms were clear before his first birthday, I just didn’t know what I was looking for.

I know that my mom worried about my lack of friends and that she didn’t need to. I was happy, but here I sit, worrying about my son’s lack of friends. I know that even though I don’t pay enough attention to my body due to it’s lack of feedback and I am ok, but here I sit worrying about my son’s health. I know that I loved my mom and my brother and sisters even though I didn’t probably show it, but here I sit feeling sad over my son’s lack of emotions. I know that I knew I was different and I liked who I was, but that doesn’t keep me from worrying about him not fitting in. I have all the same worries my mom did. I worry that he is weak and immature even. The difference is that I am not trying to force him to be normal. I am trying to lead with my brain, that knows he is ok, and not with my emotions that worry he will not make it in the cruel world. I hope I am doing the right thing in deciding that what is good for the goose is not good for the gander…After all, I did turn out alright.

Hello, it's me!

This is my first post on my first blog, so I guess I should introduce myself. I want to start by saying that I have made my blog anonymous so that I can write freely about different conflicts in my life without embarrassing or hurting any of the key players. Some of the people who have hurt me or contributed to my pain are people I love and do not want to hurt. Some of them probably deserve some pain and embarrassment, but I don't see this blog as a weapon. I think that expressing myself through writing will be therapeutic, and if you follow this blog, you will no doubt see that I could probably use some therapy.

Both of my parents were molested growing up and as they say, history repeats itself. My mother had a tendency to attract child molesters, and my father was one. This made for a tough childhood for their 5 children (four of which were girls). They divorced when I was about 8, but there was always a child predator in the house. I got married at the ripe old age of 17 in order to escape living with either of them.

I have 5 children of my own (only one girl) and I am overprotective and paranoid to a fault. I am still married to the same man after almost 15 years. I managed to pick a decent guy (meaning not a child molester or abusive in any way). My first son was born while I was still just 17. He passed away from SIDS when he was just 16 days old.  We adopted our only daughter. My oldest living son and I both have Asperger's Syndrome.My husband was in the military for just under 12 years, and now we are struggling to make it in a civilian life for the first time in our adult lives. That is a lot of new tricks for us "old dogs" to learn. We are struggling to adjust.

I feel like going through all of these things in my life gives me a very unique point of view. I am not just a middle aged woman. I am a victim, a survivor, a fighter, a mother, a military wife, a struggler, an "aspie", the parent of an "aspie", the parent of an angel baby, an adoptive mother, a friend, a lover, a student (from time to time), and so much more.