How Could I Be So Blind?

After almost 33 years of life, I have learned something new about myself. You would think someone my age would know themselves pretty well, but I guess not always. What is funny about this is that I have Asperger's, and what I discovered is that I have a classic symptom of Asperger's...Shocking, I know. I was surprised :-)

For people with Asperger's, eye contact is uncomfortable and looking at someone's face is distracting. I realized a few days ago that I rarely ever look at people's faces. Not even my children's faces. I'm not sure why I never realized this before, but it has become a problem.

As I posted before, I am seeing a guy that I really like. I am constantly worried that he doesn't like me as much as I like him. About a week ago, I took him to my friends' house to play cards. Afterwards I talked to them and asked if they thought he liked me. They both were sure that he liked me, and even their 8 year old guessed that we were a couple...An 8 year old can read social cues that I miss!!!

A couple days after the card game I started having doubts again and even attempted to end the relationship. He talked me out of it, saying that he really likes me and wishes he could spend more time with me. I asked him to be more blunt about how he feels since I don't get the social cues...he still doesn't get it :-) The next time I was with him, I was kind of watching him, trying to see what I was missing. I looked at his face, and he was looking at me! I was uncomfortable, but his facial expression made me feel like he likes me. That is when I realized I had never really looked at his face before...and then I realized I do not usually look at anyone's faces.

I'm almost 33, and I just learned something new about myself :-) I definitely plan to try looking at faces more often, even though it makes me very uncomfortable. I was missing valuable information!

Self Discovery

I have always thought of myself as a strong, independent woman. I was a great military wife, always taking care of everything on my own since my husband was unable to be dependable. I was a champ when it came to deployments. There were times I went to school full time and took care of my children with very little help since my husband was on the other side of the planet. I have worked full time jobs with overtime and taken care of my family a few times too, but not often...Mostly I was a stay at home mom and a full time student. The only thing my husband really supplied through most of our marriage was the income. I had to take care of all of the other responsibilities...Cleaning, child rearing, Dr. appointments, bills, shopping, budgeting, cleaning up financial disasters caused by my husband, pto, and sometimes school or work. I did it all, and I felt pretty good about myself.

Lately, I've been seeing someone who I like probably more than I should, and I have been feeling pretty insecure. This has bothered me a lot...to the point I was starting to feel depressed about it. Strong, independent women do not get needy and insecure. I was starting to doubt the way I have always seen myself. It is very common for people to view themselves differently than everyone else does, and I was starting to think that I had been lying to myself all of those years.

Tonight, I had a sort of revelation. I was thinking about how insecure my husband had been towards the end of our marriage. He was scared to death that I was out looking for someone else even though that was not something I would do. I realized that the reason he was acting like that was because he was no longer providing for us, and he knew he wasn't bringing enough to the table. He felt like he wasn't worthy, so I would find someone who was. I think that is how he was feeling, not necessarily how I was feeling.

Thinking about that made me realize that I am not bringing enough (in my own mind) to the table in the relationship I am in now. I am currently in the middle of my divorce, jobless, and without a vehicle. It is no wonder I am feeling insecure right now...I wouldn't want to date me. I know that once I get my situation under control again...and I will because I am a strong and independent woman...I will feel more secure with who I am. I feel so much better now because I am able to see past my temporary feelings due to this situation enough to know that I am still the same person I always have been. Being in a rut doesn't make me weak or needy, it just makes me human. How I handle this situation is what will tell me who I really am, and I don't plan to lie down and take this crap any more. I am ready to stand up and fight so that I can feel secure again...insecurity sucks!