I am anything but fine.

Every day, all day long, anyone you make eye contact with asks you how you are doing. Of course they really don't want to hear your life story, just "I'm fine, thanks. How are you?" I think they train us for this in preschool. I don't understand this game. Why ask if you don't want to know? It is ok to just say hi and keep moving. Why do I have to be put in that awkward spot where all of the real answers are going through my mind and I have to bite my tongue and finish your ritual? I want to scream, all day long, I am not fine. I am temporarily broken. I haven't seen my kids in almost 2 months. My ex is threatening to keep half of them...and they want to stay! My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 days ago. I feel horrible every day because I am a horrible friend and girlfriend/fiance. People who want to really talk to me get ignored more often than not. I'm not very good family either. My needing to try and do everything by the rules has put me in a very bad place with my ex and kids. I could have made things easier by doing things differently. Not anything illegal, just not "right." I constantly feel like I'm failing. Failing at being a good enough mother, failing to be strong enough, failing to be a fun friend and girlfriend, failing at being a good daughter, failing to be a good sister, failing to pull myself up out of this funk...I could keep going, but I won't.

I know this is temporary and I will fight my way back into a good place, but please, if you see me on the street, don't ask me how I'm doing...you don't want to know and I don't want to talk about it all day long. I feel pretty pathetic right now.

What's in a Title?

In my previous relationship I was in charge. I didn't really want to be, but I had no choice. My ex was not very smart or mature, so I had to make decisions to keep our family successful. Sometimes I had to do things to give him the impression that he was making decisions and sometimes I tried to let him make decisions, knowing I would regret it. Being in charge had its advantages and disadvantages. An obvious advantage was getting to choose what I wanted, but sometimes that was just choosing the lesser of two evils. The disadvantage was that anything that went wrong was my fault, even when it wasn't...even when I let him make decisions. I don't ever want to be in a relationship like that again. I wouldn't mind being equal partners or letting the other person be in charge, but I don't want everything on my shoulders any more. My ex literally just brought in the money...that was it...I did everything else. Every now and then he would play with the kids, giving me a moment to rest, but then I would have to work twice as hard cleaning up their mess and reminding the kids of the rules afterwards. If I sent him to buy diapers, he would buy the wrong kind of diapers and a movie and cd. I couldn't trust him with any money or task. Asking him to help or be an adult would end up being a punishment for myself, so mostly, I didn't ask. I just took care of things myself.

Mr. Right wants to be the man of the house and I am more than happy to let him be. I am finding myself a little uncomfortable with our dynamics though. For one thing, I'm not sure he knows how smart I am. He occasionally makes "stupid women" jokes, and I get that they are jokes, but I would be more comfortable with them if I knew that he knows how smart I am. I'm not sure how to let him know without coming across as bragging or competing. It doesn't help that I haven't been in school for a while and I can hear my grammar getting worse every day :) I feel stupid sometimes, even though I know I am not, so I might be a little insecure about that. Also, he is used to fighting to be heard and then not being listened to, so he wants to just do things his way, end of story, no discussion. I trust him and know he is smart enough to make great decisions, but I still want to be included in the process. I want to discuss our options, have my opinion heard, and hear why we are doing what we are doing...I guess that is a show of respect in a way, it would show that he knows I would understand, and am worthy (smart enough) to know what's going on. Honestly, I can't see him not treating me this way. He is very respectful, kind, and loving. When he talks about how it will be though, he makes it seem as though I will be expected to just blindly follow with no explanations or input. This is one of those problems we have with communication. He says things in a sarcastic or joking way sometimes and I take them literally.

That is something else I'm not sure about. How much joking is too much? Just about everyone I know makes jokes at other people's expense...sometimes at their own expense. People make jokes at your expense even when they love you. Where is the line for when it is too much? I was constantly making excuses for my ex when he would say rude things to me or about me...he was just being funny...I don't want to have to do that any more. Sometimes the jokes are funny and picking at someone can be playful and loving, but I don't think I know the difference. The same joke can be funny one day and hurt my feelings another. Since my feelings can be ruled by hormones or what kind of day I've had, I'm pretty sure they are not an indication of what is too much. I may never understand this concept. 

We have a lot of learning to do. We are both excited about learning, so I think we are going to do great. When I tell him I don't like something he said or did, it almost always rubs him the wrong way, but he thinks about it and talks to me about it again, a day or two later, with a better understanding. That is great...knowing that he listened and understood what I said. He doesn't always come back agreeing with what I said. Sometimes he comes back with a better explanation for what he said or did, and I get to understand him better. This part of our dynamics I love! I don't want to be treated like I'm always right and secretly resented. I want to learn and understand better. I want to be understood.

Beautiful Mess

I'm not very good at blogging :) I go too long between posts. I have had a lot on my mind lately though, and I am having a lot of new experiences.

I'm still with Mr. Right. He is great! It has been very interesting trying to communicate with him. I've spent my whole life trying to perfect communicating with "typical" people. This means trying to interpret what they really mean, since people usually don't say what the mean directly, and also trying to word things in a way the they would understand and will not be offended by. This has led to an annoying habit that was pointed out by Mr. Right, and now I notice it all the time. I talk in over used, often cliche, phrases. I think that I have worked hard to figure out what they mean, and I know that typically everyone else understands them, so I feel like they help me get my point across...Now they just annoy me :) Sometimes Mr. Right is saying what he means and I try to interpret it, and other times he is not being literal but I take what he says literal. This happens in reverse too. Sometimes I am being literal and he is looking for my hidden meaning. Luckily, we communicate well (meaning we are mature about it, not trying to hurt each other or one up each other) so we are figuring this stuff out. We realize that a lot of the things we were unhappy about with each other were misinterpretations. Since we are both different, that should make it easier for us to get each other, but that doesn't work when we are trying to communicate with each other like we do everyone else.

On top of the difficulty communicating, he also is used to being treated like everything is his fault, so any time I am talking to him he is hearing that I blame him for whatever problem we are discussing. He is also used to not being listened to and being treated like he doesn't know what he is talking about, so he wants to do everything his way without any compromise. I am used to always having to be in charge. I don't want to be in charge any more. I do want my opinion heard though, and I want it to matter.

I had another revelation recently. I've kept myself in this safe little box. For 3 years, all through middle school and my first year of high school, I dated a boy that lived in another town. We didn't really date, it was more like a grade school relationship, where I say that's my boyfriend, but we don't actually talk to each other :) We went on a few dates, held hands, he slept over at my house a few times, but we didn't even kiss. That was very safe and comfortable. If someone pursued me I could say I was taken and not have to deal with them or hurt their feelings. All of my relationships have been kind of like that. I never pursued or wanted anyone. I had a couple of boyfriends who liked me well enough, and I was ok with them. Sadly, my relationship with my ex was the same. I loved being married and able to say I was taken, not dealing with people liking or wanting me. I was "in charge" in my relationships. I broke them off when I was done with them. I never dealt with rejection or even had to compromise any more than I wanted. I didn't need them. I knew it and they knew it. The only guy I pursued was the 30+ year old man that I knew wouldn't say yes to me, and I didn't really want him to, so that was ok. That has all changed now. I want Mr. Right. He knows that I want him. I worry about him taking advantage of that. I feel weak. Now I have to worry about making him happy and keeping him. I don't know how to be in a relationship like this. Emotions are foreign to me any way, and now I have too many.

I let my kids go to their dad's for the summer, which was very hard for me, and now he is trying to keep 2 of them. I think he just wants to get out of paying child support. I have not been handling this well. They are 1000 miles away and have been away from me longer than ever. Thay aren't being taken care of, so I can't take care of myself. It makes me feel guilty. This has also made me very emotional, so of course, I take it out on Mr. Right, making it even harder to feel secure in our relationship. Some of the kids want to stay with their dad, and that is hard for me. Like I said before, I've never had to deal with rejection. Now I am dealing with being rejected by my babies. I have given my whole life to trying to do what is best for them, even when it meant giving up what I wanted or what was best for me, and now they want to live with someone who only thinks of himself...life is so unfair and unkind. And they want to stay for material things. I feel like I failed somewhere. Neglected to teach them about what is important in life. I also fear that my complaining about how much they've hurt me is going to make it harder for Mr. Right to love them. I've really made a mess of things. I should have kept them. I am a full time, hands on mom. I do not know what to do with myself without them. Makes me wonder how I will survive them growing up :)