Holding Me Back

When I was younger, I hid myself from the world. Getting the wrong kind of attention from grown men led me to hiding myself. I picked the thickest plastic glasses frames when I found I needed glasses, wore loose fitting clothes that were way too big for me. I dressed weird. I didn't do my hair and makeup nicely.

In 8th or 9th grade, after I had stood up to my father and decided I was not a victim any longer, I started changing. I had somewhat of a "cosmetic" surgery to remove part of a birth defect that was gross. I switched out my glasses for contacts. I started spending time doing my hair and makeup, even dressed in nicer, fitting clothes. I started feeling more confident. I met my ex.

My ex encouraged me to let myself go. He would act jealous if I did my hair and makeup. I started dressing in oversized clothes again, stopped wearing makeup, stopped taking care of myself. My focus was on my kids and him. He would "support" me in going to school or work by giving his permission, but made it difficult for me to be successful. I still had to maintain all of the same responsibilities I had as a stay at home mom. If I did dress nice or do my makeup, he would make "joking" comments about me having a boyfriend.

I think he felt like he wasn't good enough and I would move on if I realized how strong, beautiful, and confident I could be. The truth was, if he had put half of that energy into making himself better, he wouldn't have had anything to worry about. Instead of pulling himself up, he tried to pull me down to his level.

He tried to make me feel like I was stuck with him. We have 4 kids to take care of, and I had very little education and job experience. When I told him to leave, scoffed a little. He figured I would beg him to come back when I realized I couldn't make it on my own. I guess he had started believing I was as weak as he wanted me to be. When that didn't happen, he made it harder for me on purpose, reminding me the all I would have to do is take him back and he would take care of us. That hasn't worked either.

Instead of staying where he left me, I started pulling myself back up. I started working out, started dressing nicer again, doing my hair and makeup, got a job...I am working hard and proving that I am strong, beautiful, and confident. I don't need him here, dragging me down, and I don't want him.

I am not sure if it is a sign of maturity or self confidence, but Mr. Right encourages me to take care of myself and likes that I put effort into looking nice, even though he lives an hour and a half away. He has never asked me why am I making myself look nice for other people that aren't him...I think he knows I am looking nice for me. I still do not like the idea of being looked at. I fight the urge every day to just let myself go, but I do want to feel good. And I want my kids to be proud when they say that is my mom. I want Mr. Right to be proud to have me by his side.

The only one who can hold me back is me, and I am not allowing that any longer.

So Complicated

I'm pretty miserable right now. I have a lot of valid reasons/excuses for it, but still feel like I am failing somehow by feeling this way.

First off, this time of year marks the birthday and the anniversary of the death of my first son. He passed away at 16 days old, so they fall close together. People at work were talking about babies that had died from various causes within earshot, and I thought I was going to lose my composure.

Secondly, my mom has lung cancer and possibly breast cancer. I'm not sure how likely she is to go into remission or be cured, but so far it all seems scary and hopeless

Another kind of sad thing is how fast my kids are growing up. I have a 2nd grader, 5th grader, 8th grader, and freshman in high school. My oldest is taller than me now. I don't get to spend nearly enough time with them, not even enough to make them do things they have to, let alone for fun stuff. I can't. I have to work full time, and my hours are a little odd.

On top of all this, I am pmsing...mother nature hates me, I think...very bad timing.

And on to what I am focussing on the most in my head, mostly because this subject is easier to deal with than the others (even though it still hurts like heck and leaves me crying myself to sleep at night)...you've probably guessed it if you've read my blog at all...The boyfriend/fiance.

I think he is inadvertently setting us all up for failure. We are planning to become one big family, but right now we live in different cities (may as well be different countries). He only has one child, a son, who is just 2 and a half. When he is with his son, which is more often than not, he neglects everything and everyone else. He is trying to be the best dad ever, which I understand, but he is trying too hard. Sometimes he even goes days without a shower because his son might need him while he is in there. He is late for work because he doesn't want to make him get up before he is ready. He doesn't communicate with me because it would take away from his time with his son.

I don't think this is healthy. He has put himself and his son in this little bubble, excluding everyone else, telling himself he is doing what is best for his son. I think he is really thinking about himself. He is so worried that his son will love someone else more than him or believe that someone else loves him more than his dad that he is over doing it. There is no way for him to keep this up (nor should he) so he is setting himself up to fail. If his son thinks that his dad loves him because he is the center of his universe, what happens when one day he has to focus on something/someone else? What happens when 5 people move in and there is all of that distraction? We become the enemy of the father and the son.

There are going to be a lot of people that love his son (if he doesn't ruin him first) and he should let him feel ok to accept that love. And he shouldn't feel bad loving other people. Mr. Right needs to feel secure in his love for and from his son and know it is special without the little bubble for two. His son also NEEDS to see him love other people so that he can learn by example how relationships work. It isn't healthy for him to think it is dependent on people being the center of attention all the time. Right now, they can be in a house full of people, and the only person the son wants is his daddy and that is what his daddy wants...for no one else to exist. I can't tell him that, of course, because too much parenting advice makes enemies. I am trying to be patient, but I am scared that the family I am all excited about is not going to happen.

We will be resented when we get too close to the bubble. I already feel resented on the few occasions we get to visit. He is not preparing either of them for the change that he says he wants.

And I haven't even mentioned the ex yet. I get pushed aside a lot of times to keep the ex happy so that she doesn't use the baby against his daddy...something I'm told will get better, but a finalized divorce will not change her ability to use the baby as a weapon...neither will our marriage. The only thing that can change her ability to use the baby is him no longer fearing it. He needs to be more direct with her and not allow her to play the games. His fear of her reactions encourage the games. I don't know her well enough to know how much of a threat she is, but I know fighting is better that rolling over or living in fear. I know that I am in a lot of pain feeling like I don't fit into his life and maybe never will. I've never been so emotionally attached to a man. Never felt this kind of love. We fit together so well, and he has no room for me in his life. And I don't know how to make him understand he needs to make room. And I don't want to walk away, despite the pain. I won't uproot and move my kids with things this uncertain either though.

Update: I emailed a copy of this to Mr. Right because fighting is better than rolling over or living in fear...hope he doesn't hate me for it :-/

Guts

People love to look at beautiful things. They will talk about the beauty and strength of an object without giving a thought to what goes into making it that way. When you meet a new person, you only show them your pretty exterior. It takes love and trust to be able to let a person see how you work. Strangers quite often look like they have it all together, but if you were allowed to see how they really feel, you would see something that looks a little more messy. You would see their fear and a little chaos perhaps. I'm learning that some people don't want to see what goes into making something beautiful. They want the mystery and the magic...just to touch the surface and never see the guts of an object. I see beauty in how things work. They look even more beautiful to me when I see how much effort and thought goes into them. I think I need to work on my mask. It has too many holes in it...someone might see more of what goes on behind the scenes than they would like and ruin the mystery.

I'm a mess on the inside. I'm strong. I know I'm strong. I've been through things that would have broken most people and I have made it through and been successful in life. I also have anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and asperger's. I've always thought that I was choosing to keep people from seeing the messy parts of me, but now I'm starting to realize that people don't want to see it. Choosing to let people see it all is choosing to lose people. Everyone has their own mess to deal with. They want the impression that they know the "real" you, that they are there for you and want to take care of their friends/family, but are not prepared to deal with someone else's mess. I guess the trick is letting people see just enough of your needy side to let them feel needed and helpful but not too much.

Obviously, I'm feeling discouraged tonight. Tomorrow is a new day though. I'm going to go get my kids back and just move on like I have been, and quit trying to let people in...they don't want in anyway. I guess I wasn't as different as I thought :) I just didn't realize everyone else was pretending.

I am anything but fine.

Every day, all day long, anyone you make eye contact with asks you how you are doing. Of course they really don't want to hear your life story, just "I'm fine, thanks. How are you?" I think they train us for this in preschool. I don't understand this game. Why ask if you don't want to know? It is ok to just say hi and keep moving. Why do I have to be put in that awkward spot where all of the real answers are going through my mind and I have to bite my tongue and finish your ritual? I want to scream, all day long, I am not fine. I am temporarily broken. I haven't seen my kids in almost 2 months. My ex is threatening to keep half of them...and they want to stay! My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 days ago. I feel horrible every day because I am a horrible friend and girlfriend/fiance. People who want to really talk to me get ignored more often than not. I'm not very good family either. My needing to try and do everything by the rules has put me in a very bad place with my ex and kids. I could have made things easier by doing things differently. Not anything illegal, just not "right." I constantly feel like I'm failing. Failing at being a good enough mother, failing to be strong enough, failing to be a fun friend and girlfriend, failing at being a good daughter, failing to be a good sister, failing to pull myself up out of this funk...I could keep going, but I won't.

I know this is temporary and I will fight my way back into a good place, but please, if you see me on the street, don't ask me how I'm doing...you don't want to know and I don't want to talk about it all day long. I feel pretty pathetic right now.

What's in a Title?

In my previous relationship I was in charge. I didn't really want to be, but I had no choice. My ex was not very smart or mature, so I had to make decisions to keep our family successful. Sometimes I had to do things to give him the impression that he was making decisions and sometimes I tried to let him make decisions, knowing I would regret it. Being in charge had its advantages and disadvantages. An obvious advantage was getting to choose what I wanted, but sometimes that was just choosing the lesser of two evils. The disadvantage was that anything that went wrong was my fault, even when it wasn't...even when I let him make decisions. I don't ever want to be in a relationship like that again. I wouldn't mind being equal partners or letting the other person be in charge, but I don't want everything on my shoulders any more. My ex literally just brought in the money...that was it...I did everything else. Every now and then he would play with the kids, giving me a moment to rest, but then I would have to work twice as hard cleaning up their mess and reminding the kids of the rules afterwards. If I sent him to buy diapers, he would buy the wrong kind of diapers and a movie and cd. I couldn't trust him with any money or task. Asking him to help or be an adult would end up being a punishment for myself, so mostly, I didn't ask. I just took care of things myself.

Mr. Right wants to be the man of the house and I am more than happy to let him be. I am finding myself a little uncomfortable with our dynamics though. For one thing, I'm not sure he knows how smart I am. He occasionally makes "stupid women" jokes, and I get that they are jokes, but I would be more comfortable with them if I knew that he knows how smart I am. I'm not sure how to let him know without coming across as bragging or competing. It doesn't help that I haven't been in school for a while and I can hear my grammar getting worse every day :) I feel stupid sometimes, even though I know I am not, so I might be a little insecure about that. Also, he is used to fighting to be heard and then not being listened to, so he wants to just do things his way, end of story, no discussion. I trust him and know he is smart enough to make great decisions, but I still want to be included in the process. I want to discuss our options, have my opinion heard, and hear why we are doing what we are doing...I guess that is a show of respect in a way, it would show that he knows I would understand, and am worthy (smart enough) to know what's going on. Honestly, I can't see him not treating me this way. He is very respectful, kind, and loving. When he talks about how it will be though, he makes it seem as though I will be expected to just blindly follow with no explanations or input. This is one of those problems we have with communication. He says things in a sarcastic or joking way sometimes and I take them literally.

That is something else I'm not sure about. How much joking is too much? Just about everyone I know makes jokes at other people's expense...sometimes at their own expense. People make jokes at your expense even when they love you. Where is the line for when it is too much? I was constantly making excuses for my ex when he would say rude things to me or about me...he was just being funny...I don't want to have to do that any more. Sometimes the jokes are funny and picking at someone can be playful and loving, but I don't think I know the difference. The same joke can be funny one day and hurt my feelings another. Since my feelings can be ruled by hormones or what kind of day I've had, I'm pretty sure they are not an indication of what is too much. I may never understand this concept. 

We have a lot of learning to do. We are both excited about learning, so I think we are going to do great. When I tell him I don't like something he said or did, it almost always rubs him the wrong way, but he thinks about it and talks to me about it again, a day or two later, with a better understanding. That is great...knowing that he listened and understood what I said. He doesn't always come back agreeing with what I said. Sometimes he comes back with a better explanation for what he said or did, and I get to understand him better. This part of our dynamics I love! I don't want to be treated like I'm always right and secretly resented. I want to learn and understand better. I want to be understood.

Beautiful Mess

I'm not very good at blogging :) I go too long between posts. I have had a lot on my mind lately though, and I am having a lot of new experiences.

I'm still with Mr. Right. He is great! It has been very interesting trying to communicate with him. I've spent my whole life trying to perfect communicating with "typical" people. This means trying to interpret what they really mean, since people usually don't say what the mean directly, and also trying to word things in a way the they would understand and will not be offended by. This has led to an annoying habit that was pointed out by Mr. Right, and now I notice it all the time. I talk in over used, often cliche, phrases. I think that I have worked hard to figure out what they mean, and I know that typically everyone else understands them, so I feel like they help me get my point across...Now they just annoy me :) Sometimes Mr. Right is saying what he means and I try to interpret it, and other times he is not being literal but I take what he says literal. This happens in reverse too. Sometimes I am being literal and he is looking for my hidden meaning. Luckily, we communicate well (meaning we are mature about it, not trying to hurt each other or one up each other) so we are figuring this stuff out. We realize that a lot of the things we were unhappy about with each other were misinterpretations. Since we are both different, that should make it easier for us to get each other, but that doesn't work when we are trying to communicate with each other like we do everyone else.

On top of the difficulty communicating, he also is used to being treated like everything is his fault, so any time I am talking to him he is hearing that I blame him for whatever problem we are discussing. He is also used to not being listened to and being treated like he doesn't know what he is talking about, so he wants to do everything his way without any compromise. I am used to always having to be in charge. I don't want to be in charge any more. I do want my opinion heard though, and I want it to matter.

I had another revelation recently. I've kept myself in this safe little box. For 3 years, all through middle school and my first year of high school, I dated a boy that lived in another town. We didn't really date, it was more like a grade school relationship, where I say that's my boyfriend, but we don't actually talk to each other :) We went on a few dates, held hands, he slept over at my house a few times, but we didn't even kiss. That was very safe and comfortable. If someone pursued me I could say I was taken and not have to deal with them or hurt their feelings. All of my relationships have been kind of like that. I never pursued or wanted anyone. I had a couple of boyfriends who liked me well enough, and I was ok with them. Sadly, my relationship with my ex was the same. I loved being married and able to say I was taken, not dealing with people liking or wanting me. I was "in charge" in my relationships. I broke them off when I was done with them. I never dealt with rejection or even had to compromise any more than I wanted. I didn't need them. I knew it and they knew it. The only guy I pursued was the 30+ year old man that I knew wouldn't say yes to me, and I didn't really want him to, so that was ok. That has all changed now. I want Mr. Right. He knows that I want him. I worry about him taking advantage of that. I feel weak. Now I have to worry about making him happy and keeping him. I don't know how to be in a relationship like this. Emotions are foreign to me any way, and now I have too many.

I let my kids go to their dad's for the summer, which was very hard for me, and now he is trying to keep 2 of them. I think he just wants to get out of paying child support. I have not been handling this well. They are 1000 miles away and have been away from me longer than ever. Thay aren't being taken care of, so I can't take care of myself. It makes me feel guilty. This has also made me very emotional, so of course, I take it out on Mr. Right, making it even harder to feel secure in our relationship. Some of the kids want to stay with their dad, and that is hard for me. Like I said before, I've never had to deal with rejection. Now I am dealing with being rejected by my babies. I have given my whole life to trying to do what is best for them, even when it meant giving up what I wanted or what was best for me, and now they want to live with someone who only thinks of himself...life is so unfair and unkind. And they want to stay for material things. I feel like I failed somewhere. Neglected to teach them about what is important in life. I also fear that my complaining about how much they've hurt me is going to make it harder for Mr. Right to love them. I've really made a mess of things. I should have kept them. I am a full time, hands on mom. I do not know what to do with myself without them. Makes me wonder how I will survive them growing up :)

Sorry, It's been a while.

A lot has happened in the last 7 or 8 months. I read me last blog to see where I left off and was shocked :-) Somehow I went from really liking that guy who I wasn't too sure about to meeting Mr. Right. Because of issues with my ex, I was tempoarily unplugged (that is what I call it when the kids are grounded from their electronics), so I'll try to do a recap of the last few months.

That guy I was seeing is a great guy. He is a good father, and responsible man, but I never felt really comfortable with him. I never felt sure that he liked me as much as I liked him, and in the end it turned out I was right. I was ok with it too. Turns out I wasn't that into him either. I wanted to be, but I realized from the beginning that he would never want to share his kids with me and wasn't interested in taking in anyone else's kids. He was not single mother dating material. He was fun though, and I learned some things about myself, so I consider that a success.

A couple months after I ended things with him, I was putting myself back out there to meet new people when I stumbled accross Mr. Right! He is a little strange, like me. We have a lot of things in common, and some things that are different, but we compliment each other. Neither one of us has the rose colored glasses mentality, so we have had some issues, but we've been dating for 6 months. We are talking about marriage even! We both came from long marriages where we were fighting to make things work while the other person didn't. I know that we can work through anything because we both are committed and stubborn :-) That is what it takes to have a long marriage, and I am excited to have a partner for once.

As for my home, things have been going ok, I guess. My oldest son is now taller than me and very proud of it. My mom has had a hard time adjusting to my new guy. She love him, but is having a hard time with me loving him. I think part of it is jealousy (she is lonely), and part of it is that she has never seen me so into someone...neither have I...I will blog about that later. The kids love him too. My mom is leaving in a couple weeks and that is very scary. I still have to work full time to make ends meet. Technically, my kids are at an age that I should be able to get home a few hours after them and be ok, but they haven't had much experience with that, and my oldest is autistic, so I'm very nervous about it. Ever since my mom told me she was leaving, I've been an emotional roller coaster. That wasn't a typo. I'm aware that people usually say they are on an emotional roller coaster. I took Mr. Right for a ride. I am so glad he's stubborn and committed. When I am in a stressful situation, I am like superwoman, but right now I am falling apart. I have a couple more weeks before things get really tough so I have to get all of my panicing out now. There will be no time for that later. My ex has not sent anything to help care for his kids since last August. I am in the process of getting his wages garnished for child support. A good friend of mine loaned me her truck so that I could get a job. I started working towards the end of August. A couple of my friends helped me get caught up on my rent so that I could start out a little less suffocated. I got a new to me car with my tax money. My mandatory purgatory will be over next week, but now I don't have the $850 for a divorce. I am not sure how I will swing that, but I will...I think that is all of the updates...now I can come back later and talk about more of the emotional, learning experience parts of the story.