How Could I Be So Blind?

After almost 33 years of life, I have learned something new about myself. You would think someone my age would know themselves pretty well, but I guess not always. What is funny about this is that I have Asperger's, and what I discovered is that I have a classic symptom of Asperger's...Shocking, I know. I was surprised :-)

For people with Asperger's, eye contact is uncomfortable and looking at someone's face is distracting. I realized a few days ago that I rarely ever look at people's faces. Not even my children's faces. I'm not sure why I never realized this before, but it has become a problem.

As I posted before, I am seeing a guy that I really like. I am constantly worried that he doesn't like me as much as I like him. About a week ago, I took him to my friends' house to play cards. Afterwards I talked to them and asked if they thought he liked me. They both were sure that he liked me, and even their 8 year old guessed that we were a couple...An 8 year old can read social cues that I miss!!!

A couple days after the card game I started having doubts again and even attempted to end the relationship. He talked me out of it, saying that he really likes me and wishes he could spend more time with me. I asked him to be more blunt about how he feels since I don't get the social cues...he still doesn't get it :-) The next time I was with him, I was kind of watching him, trying to see what I was missing. I looked at his face, and he was looking at me! I was uncomfortable, but his facial expression made me feel like he likes me. That is when I realized I had never really looked at his face before...and then I realized I do not usually look at anyone's faces.

I'm almost 33, and I just learned something new about myself :-) I definitely plan to try looking at faces more often, even though it makes me very uncomfortable. I was missing valuable information!

Self Discovery

I have always thought of myself as a strong, independent woman. I was a great military wife, always taking care of everything on my own since my husband was unable to be dependable. I was a champ when it came to deployments. There were times I went to school full time and took care of my children with very little help since my husband was on the other side of the planet. I have worked full time jobs with overtime and taken care of my family a few times too, but not often...Mostly I was a stay at home mom and a full time student. The only thing my husband really supplied through most of our marriage was the income. I had to take care of all of the other responsibilities...Cleaning, child rearing, Dr. appointments, bills, shopping, budgeting, cleaning up financial disasters caused by my husband, pto, and sometimes school or work. I did it all, and I felt pretty good about myself.

Lately, I've been seeing someone who I like probably more than I should, and I have been feeling pretty insecure. This has bothered me a lot...to the point I was starting to feel depressed about it. Strong, independent women do not get needy and insecure. I was starting to doubt the way I have always seen myself. It is very common for people to view themselves differently than everyone else does, and I was starting to think that I had been lying to myself all of those years.

Tonight, I had a sort of revelation. I was thinking about how insecure my husband had been towards the end of our marriage. He was scared to death that I was out looking for someone else even though that was not something I would do. I realized that the reason he was acting like that was because he was no longer providing for us, and he knew he wasn't bringing enough to the table. He felt like he wasn't worthy, so I would find someone who was. I think that is how he was feeling, not necessarily how I was feeling.

Thinking about that made me realize that I am not bringing enough (in my own mind) to the table in the relationship I am in now. I am currently in the middle of my divorce, jobless, and without a vehicle. It is no wonder I am feeling insecure right now...I wouldn't want to date me. I know that once I get my situation under control again...and I will because I am a strong and independent woman...I will feel more secure with who I am. I feel so much better now because I am able to see past my temporary feelings due to this situation enough to know that I am still the same person I always have been. Being in a rut doesn't make me weak or needy, it just makes me human. How I handle this situation is what will tell me who I really am, and I don't plan to lie down and take this crap any more. I am ready to stand up and fight so that I can feel secure again...insecurity sucks!

New Adventures

After 15 years of marriage, I am separated. In the state I live in, you have to be separated a year before you are granted a divorce. It's a mandatory purgatory. Being semi single is very stressful. When I was happily married, I never really looked at who was around me. I have been known to be oblivious to flirting, eye contact, and smiles. Now I have started paying attention, and it makes my very anxious. I am still pretty oblivious to flirting and such, but just seeing individual people instead of the crowd is horrifying. I've come to the conclusion that I don't like to be looked at. I want to have someone in my life to help me relax and make me smile, but I don't want to meet new people...it is scary. I made a profile on a dating website. It is a little easier to "talk" to someone that way, but I was a nervous wreck every time I left the house that someone would recognize me from my picture online and approach me, so I deleted my profile. I did meet a few people on there though, and I am still talking to one guy. I am definitely happy with my decision to get a divorce. It was past time for that to happen. I do not like being single though. I think I liked it better when the crowd was a crowd and not individual people. I want to go back into hiding...I am not a very adventurous person, I guess.

Wild and Crazy?

Most women/girls who are molested go through a wild and crazy phase and sleep around. All of my sisters did this. One of them never really grew out of it. I never really went crazy. I have tried a couple of times, but I guess God must be watching out for me, because it just never worked out. When I was 16, I decided I wanted the 30+ year old man. My mom and sister hated him, so that made him very attractive. I threw myself at him, and he was interested, but since he had already been in trouble for statutory rape, he knew to steer clear. He pushed me towards my future husband instead. Fast forward 16 years later, and here I am about to be divorced, and feeling a little wild and crazy again. I met a guy off the internet...complete stranger...and I was prepared to sleep with him. We both had said we were just wanting to hook up, no games and no attachment. I guess God was looking out for me again though because this guy didn't really mean that. He wanted me to be attached to him so that he could let me down easy, and leave me broken hearted. I don't attach easily though, so I didn't keep his interest for long and we didn't sleep together. I talked to a couple of other guys I met online. I did meet up with one that I slept with with no intention of a relationship of any kind. It wasn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be. I haven't seen him since then, and I am not talking to him any more. The second guy I met only with intentions of being friends. He knew I was stressed and needed a break, so he offered to take me out to coffee or something just to talk and get away. I agreed to meet him, and it was nice. I met him 2 or 3 times just to talk and get to now each other and I really did like him. Now we are seeing each other...whatever that means...and I really like him. I am so glad that wild and crazy didn't work out for me. I don't really understand why people do it anyway. I know I haven't slept with a lot of guys, and maybe just the wrong ones, but I didn't think it was all that fun the few times I did sleep with someone new.

What is good for the goose is good for the gander???

I was born with Asperger’s Syndrome before people really knew what it was. I wasn’t diagnosed as a child, so my whole childhood was spent with my family trying to make me normal. I remember this very vividly. My mom and sister were mean to me, hoping that one day I would “break” and give it back to them, making me stronger. My silence was seen as me being immature and weak. I remember knowing why they did it, knowing that it wasn’t necessary, and knowing that it wouldn’t work. Out of stubbornness, I refused to strike back. I didn’t want to be their version of strong. I knew, even at a young age, that I didn’t have to be bitchy to be strong or mature. Because of my silence, I was often looked over, and even forgotten a time or two. That was painful for me but it didn’t change who I was. I didn’t have any friends until 4th grade, and I was ok with that. I didn’t want any friends…Not even then. My teacher assigned partners. Usually I avoided getting a partner, hoping for an uneven number. This time, I wasn’t given a choice, and my partner became my best friend. She is still one of my closest friends. I was hypo sensitive, meaning that I didn’t feel much pain, and the pain I did feel I tolerated very well. This led to me having a urinary tract, bladder, and kidney infection all at once. I never complained about it but it was discovered at a routine Dr. appointment. I remember that it hurt when I went to the bathroom, but I just thought it was normal.

I grew up being different, and not knowing why. Now, I have a 13 year old son with Asperger’s. It was my mom’s idea to have him tested for autism. Like I had been, he was 3 years old and not conversing. Somehow she noticed something wrong with him, but not with me…He wasn’t diagnosed right away. I was told he was socially retarded at first. They assumed he didn’t spend enough time with kids his own age. Actually, he was surrounded by kids his own age. I have a couple of nephews, second cousins, and friends with kids his age. We had him tested again at 5. His kindergarten teacher mentioned Asperger’s by name, and after researching it, I knew that was him and me. He also has the hypo sensitivity. A lot of his symptoms were clear before his first birthday, I just didn’t know what I was looking for.

I know that my mom worried about my lack of friends and that she didn’t need to. I was happy, but here I sit, worrying about my son’s lack of friends. I know that even though I don’t pay enough attention to my body due to it’s lack of feedback and I am ok, but here I sit worrying about my son’s health. I know that I loved my mom and my brother and sisters even though I didn’t probably show it, but here I sit feeling sad over my son’s lack of emotions. I know that I knew I was different and I liked who I was, but that doesn’t keep me from worrying about him not fitting in. I have all the same worries my mom did. I worry that he is weak and immature even. The difference is that I am not trying to force him to be normal. I am trying to lead with my brain, that knows he is ok, and not with my emotions that worry he will not make it in the cruel world. I hope I am doing the right thing in deciding that what is good for the goose is not good for the gander…After all, I did turn out alright.

Hello, it's me!

This is my first post on my first blog, so I guess I should introduce myself. I want to start by saying that I have made my blog anonymous so that I can write freely about different conflicts in my life without embarrassing or hurting any of the key players. Some of the people who have hurt me or contributed to my pain are people I love and do not want to hurt. Some of them probably deserve some pain and embarrassment, but I don't see this blog as a weapon. I think that expressing myself through writing will be therapeutic, and if you follow this blog, you will no doubt see that I could probably use some therapy.

Both of my parents were molested growing up and as they say, history repeats itself. My mother had a tendency to attract child molesters, and my father was one. This made for a tough childhood for their 5 children (four of which were girls). They divorced when I was about 8, but there was always a child predator in the house. I got married at the ripe old age of 17 in order to escape living with either of them.

I have 5 children of my own (only one girl) and I am overprotective and paranoid to a fault. I am still married to the same man after almost 15 years. I managed to pick a decent guy (meaning not a child molester or abusive in any way). My first son was born while I was still just 17. He passed away from SIDS when he was just 16 days old.  We adopted our only daughter. My oldest living son and I both have Asperger's Syndrome.My husband was in the military for just under 12 years, and now we are struggling to make it in a civilian life for the first time in our adult lives. That is a lot of new tricks for us "old dogs" to learn. We are struggling to adjust.

I feel like going through all of these things in my life gives me a very unique point of view. I am not just a middle aged woman. I am a victim, a survivor, a fighter, a mother, a military wife, a struggler, an "aspie", the parent of an "aspie", the parent of an angel baby, an adoptive mother, a friend, a lover, a student (from time to time), and so much more.